Wednesday, November 9

ramblings

i waited for you. i stood in the bookstore for close to 2 hours and waited for you. And you know what? I didn't mind. It's funny because the last time i waited for someone for that long or even longer, without the aid of a chair or anything good to while away my time was a long time ago.

Thursday, November 3

on my knees

very few things... very few people could break my heart so easily. that could cause me such blinding pain that i wish i would just shrivel up and die. very few.

all i ever wanted from him was the truth. no matter how painful.

but then he'd always say,

"why should i explain myself to you?"

i know now why i want to leave, to be far away from here

he won't be able to hurt me there.


* * *
at the end of the day
all i really wanted was
for something to work out this time.
something that would mean forever.
don't i deserve that?
judging from all those who had me, discarded me and chose someone else to spend the rest of their lives with or at least most of their time with
apparently not.

* * *

my mom once said to me
"men can come and go in your life, breaking your heart over and over again
but your family will always be here to love you no matter what."

i want to go home.

Wednesday, October 26

halfway between being angry and being hungry

my eyes are playing tricks on me again. something about the way i woke up made it blurrier than usual. not good. haven't been wearing my contacts and i wonder why my eyesight isn't cooperating. maybe it's the monitor. i don't know.

i'm just basically writing the first thing that pops into my head primarily because inasmuch as i'd like to aim for a little structure or a themed offering here, nothing comes to mind save for these thoughts.

maybe because i'm hungry. maybe because i'm thinking of everything and nothing at the same time.

also, i am thinking, with two weeks left in this country, in this current life o' mine, why i am both excited and dreading the day? i know its a whole new world out there (cue theme from that Disney flick) but why i am so slow at getting things in order. i keep on telling myself, move yer ass woman! but somehow i don't have the strength to actually start boxing or throwing away stuff. Am I procrastinating because i can be inherently lazy? or am i dragging my feet because i really don't want to go?

but then, i have lost everything. have nothing left. nothing's left for me here. going there is the next logical step.

but then getting the money together to actually get on that plane is starting to bother me. badly. each day i delay meals and sleep off the hunger pangs. i try not to break down in tears every other day. i try not to question my beliefs and throw a tantrum and point an accusing finger to the sky. and i most definitely try not to throw myself off the roof of my building.

every day. every single pathetic day. i wake up tired and wondering if i'll ever leave. i try not to think about it. i try to "think happy thoughts" but really, thinking happy thoughts on an empty stomach and wallet is pretty damn hard.

perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. maybe i should have a greater appreciation for frugality. perhaps i am being taught to turn a blind eye to all the incessant sales at my favorite bookshops and clothing stores and focus on what matters—be it food or spare change for transportation to get to a meeting with a client.

being this hungry has given me a lot of balls to actually write this thing. i mean, damn my pride to hell. i'm dizzy. my eyesight is blurry (maybe it also has something to do with the tears that are welling up) and quite frankly, i do not see the light at the end of my tunnel nor in this dark place i have found myself in.

i am being taught to appreciate the most basic of things—food, shelter, family. the heavens must think its high time for me to learn these lessons especially since i am moving to another country and going to be living an entirely different life.

somehow i know it's not really going to get any easier, but at least i know now how to withstand the pain.


* * *

if anyone tries to cheer me up with clichés, i just might end up slapping them—if i can muster the strength to actually lift my hand, let alone take a mighty swing. save your words for the church and utter them there. Otherwise save your pity or your attempts at patronizing me.

Sunday, October 23

The Big What If

inspired by two friends and their "what ifs?"


this is not good. i'm thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about. after all, our paths have diverged. our timing, as you so eloquently put it, sucks big time. you have new people to think about and new responsibilities in your life, while i have a new life to look forward to in two weeks.

why now? my hangover has passed and yet i'm still thinking about you. not good. not good at all.

i keep asking myself if i'm lonely, if i just like the fact that we're getting along so famously.

i'm not making sense. and it's driving me nuts what's happening. we both know that this... that we cannot be. unless someone makes some serious life choices.

but then... i don't know. i really don't. maybe i'm just regretting what should've been but never was.

maybe i just missed you.

maybe.

Friday, September 30

I Died.

It all felt so real. I can still see the details in my head. All I remember is that there was this old friend of mine who I've never been with in around 4 years. She was driving me home from somewhere that seemed quite far. We passed this road that ran along the side of a mountain. on the left was a cliff. She was in the driver's seat, i was in the back. one moment she was on left-hand drive, next moment she was on the right!? the radio suddenly came to life with neither of us turning it on. for some reason, she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to see what was up with the damn thing. next thing i knew we were on the other lane and i saw headlights as we turned the bend. the light was fading... it was nearing night. at the sight of the oncoming car, she swerved... but not on the empty lane to the right but flying past the barricade and into the sky as we started our plunge downward. i could remember seeing the sky. everything seemed so slow. as we were about to fall all i could think of was, "shit. it's only been three days after my birthday, and now I'm going to die. Damn. Sorry Mom."

i woke up just as we were about to hit the ground.

if my entry hardly made any sense, well, neither did the dream. my apologies. just trying to get this down in writing before i forget. though i wonder why... maybe to get it out my system...

Monday, September 5

Birthday Schmirthday

Your Birthdate: September 27
Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path.
Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate.
There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do.

This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative.
You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends.
You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.


Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Sunday, September 4

Short quips

You people always hold onto old identities, old faces and masks, long after they've served their purpose.
But you've got to learn to throw things away eventually.

-Death, in Dream Country


ouch. ouch. ouch. now that definitely struck a nerve.

* * *

Result from a quiz...

You are 31.75% jealous!
This means that...
- You are not usually a jealous person BUT SOMETIMES CAN BE (i am human, aren't i?)
- Occassionally, you over-react to situations
- Generally, you trust the people around you
- Jealousy will not be an issue in relationships, though you might want to improve your self-esteem.

ouch. ouch. ouch. AGAIN. hahahahaha