Friday, April 15

sixty bucks to schizophrenic tendencies

Funny how one can live on 60 bucks.

I began my morning slow, my body rebelling, hesitating to part ways with the comfy spot on the couch/bed. Even the bath was taking too long, Lord knows i was already running late. Perhaps the pain in various parts of my body, particularly in my arms and in my hands slowed me down. Couldn't imagine surviving the commute to the house-of-my-business-partner-turned-semi-office. Wow. Despite the aching body due to my endeavoring into boxing since wednesday, not to mention the hits i sustained due to arnis, it was a wonder that i got through the MRT ride, the long walk from the MRT station to the tricycle depot at the BACK of SM North.

It was a pretty long walk, i tell you. And a heavy bag and not-so-comfortable-shoes weren't much help either.

Okay so i'm starting to rant. But really, did i have a bad day?

Nope. if readers could actually see what's going through my head as i rewind the events that took place on this unusual friday, they'd blush. Or guffaw...Depending on their tolerance for such houghts (snicker).

Let's just say that i am coming to terms with something about myself. It feels good to touch base with the person whom i've neglected to share the proverbial stage of my day to day for the past year and a half.

The woman i used to be.

Why now? Why does she choose to come back now when i thought i've lost her already? Gotta hand it to her, her timing's pretty great considering this is one of those days that i was actually to tired to wallow and write off my life as a major mess.

i guess she missed being in control. missed being able to come up with witty comebacks on the fly. probably felt bad about letting so many opportunities to "exercise" her right to be the hot momma she really is.

all because she was overshadowed by the meek, subservient, bordering-on-martyrdom big girl that took over for the past 18 months or so.

but she's not resentful about playing second fiddle to such a character. apparently, the harmless , helpless act didn't work.

so here she is, gently chiding the meek one, taking over the reins once again.

reckless driver that she is, she does know now to be cautious at the wheel. (must be getting old.) after all, only stupidity would lead her to make the same mistake twice.

maybe things would've been different if she hadn't left the driver's seat in the first place.

but that's done. it's time to forge on, into the unknown just around the next bend. life apparently goes on. maybe this time, she'll succeed. succeed in what... well, let's just say that this lady's got some agenda. (waggle eyebrows hahahahaha)

either way, it doesn't matter. she just says it's good to be back.

yeah.

how to relate it to the sixty bucks i had left in my wallet this morning? simple, make do with what you have no matter how little. Be brave enough to go on even in unfamiliar territory. Eventually, you'll get where you're meant to be. Wiser, stronger, maybe even stumble on something you've wanted for so long.

yeah, i missed her.

but i actually miss someone else as well. *wink*

Monday, April 11

Been trying

Been trying to write a decent article worthy of my column. But then i'm my own worst critic and so far nothing has passed my so-called standards (insert colorful expletive here).

Also

Been trying to write a decent song worthy of recording or at least my friends' time when i manage to coerce them to grudgingly listen to me sing it.

Been trying to get more shut-eye. One of the things i am able to actually do, thank God.

Been trying to make sense of this mess i've gotten myself into, having to abstain from choosing just one path, just one organization to be a part of.

Been trying to see if all the reasons i have for staying where i am are still valid and haven't turned to pathetic excuses that i just convince myself to be true.

Been trying to stop myself from feeling good about a certain someone while battling the demons that i still have about us. holding myself back from feeling anything for this person because i can be brought to life or be obliterated by this person's hand all at the same time.

Been trying to muster enough courage to make the decisions i should have made 7 months ago.

Been trying to focus on the things that really matter, like my family, my real friends, and home.

Been trying not to think, or think too much.

Been trying. Have succeeded in some, have lost in others.

Life is just a series of day to day struggles. Or at least for me... for now.

Tuesday, April 5

Hormones

Something is bothering me.

Felt it this morning, like something in my life is not in order... but really, this is the least stressful of the days that i've been having thus far.

Unnamed. Unidentified. It's just there.

it was weird waking up this morning. weird going to work. weird. weird. weird.

but it doesn't feel like a foreboding, something just confuses me. confounds me.

then again, it might be just hormones.