Wednesday, October 26

halfway between being angry and being hungry

my eyes are playing tricks on me again. something about the way i woke up made it blurrier than usual. not good. haven't been wearing my contacts and i wonder why my eyesight isn't cooperating. maybe it's the monitor. i don't know.

i'm just basically writing the first thing that pops into my head primarily because inasmuch as i'd like to aim for a little structure or a themed offering here, nothing comes to mind save for these thoughts.

maybe because i'm hungry. maybe because i'm thinking of everything and nothing at the same time.

also, i am thinking, with two weeks left in this country, in this current life o' mine, why i am both excited and dreading the day? i know its a whole new world out there (cue theme from that Disney flick) but why i am so slow at getting things in order. i keep on telling myself, move yer ass woman! but somehow i don't have the strength to actually start boxing or throwing away stuff. Am I procrastinating because i can be inherently lazy? or am i dragging my feet because i really don't want to go?

but then, i have lost everything. have nothing left. nothing's left for me here. going there is the next logical step.

but then getting the money together to actually get on that plane is starting to bother me. badly. each day i delay meals and sleep off the hunger pangs. i try not to break down in tears every other day. i try not to question my beliefs and throw a tantrum and point an accusing finger to the sky. and i most definitely try not to throw myself off the roof of my building.

every day. every single pathetic day. i wake up tired and wondering if i'll ever leave. i try not to think about it. i try to "think happy thoughts" but really, thinking happy thoughts on an empty stomach and wallet is pretty damn hard.

perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. maybe i should have a greater appreciation for frugality. perhaps i am being taught to turn a blind eye to all the incessant sales at my favorite bookshops and clothing stores and focus on what matters—be it food or spare change for transportation to get to a meeting with a client.

being this hungry has given me a lot of balls to actually write this thing. i mean, damn my pride to hell. i'm dizzy. my eyesight is blurry (maybe it also has something to do with the tears that are welling up) and quite frankly, i do not see the light at the end of my tunnel nor in this dark place i have found myself in.

i am being taught to appreciate the most basic of things—food, shelter, family. the heavens must think its high time for me to learn these lessons especially since i am moving to another country and going to be living an entirely different life.

somehow i know it's not really going to get any easier, but at least i know now how to withstand the pain.

* * *

if anyone tries to cheer me up with clichés, i just might end up slapping them—if i can muster the strength to actually lift my hand, let alone take a mighty swing. save your words for the church and utter them there. Otherwise save your pity or your attempts at patronizing me.

Sunday, October 23

The Big What If

inspired by two friends and their "what ifs?"

this is not good. i'm thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about. after all, our paths have diverged. our timing, as you so eloquently put it, sucks big time. you have new people to think about and new responsibilities in your life, while i have a new life to look forward to in two weeks.

why now? my hangover has passed and yet i'm still thinking about you. not good. not good at all.

i keep asking myself if i'm lonely, if i just like the fact that we're getting along so famously.

i'm not making sense. and it's driving me nuts what's happening. we both know that this... that we cannot be. unless someone makes some serious life choices.

but then... i don't know. i really don't. maybe i'm just regretting what should've been but never was.

maybe i just missed you.