Not your average Jo

ramblings

2005-11-09T09:11:00.000+08:00

i waited for you. i stood in the bookstore for close to 2 hours and waited for you. And you know what? I didn't mind. It's funny because the last time i waited for someone for that long or even longer, without the aid of a chair or anything good to while away my time was a long time ago.

on my knees

2005-11-03T12:30:00.000+08:00

very few things... very few people could break my heart so easily. that could cause me such blinding pain that i wish i would just shrivel up and die. very few.

all i ever wanted from him was the truth. no matter how painful.

but then he'd always say,

"why should i explain myself to you?"

i know now why i want to leave, to be far away from here

he won't be able to hurt me there.

* * *
at the end of the day
all i really wanted was
for something to work out this time.
something that would mean forever.
don't i deserve that?
judging from all those who had me, discarded me and chose someone else to spend the rest of their lives with or at least most of their time with
apparently not.

* * *

my mom once said to me
"men can come and go in your life, breaking your heart over and over again
but your family will always be here to love you no matter what."

i want to go home.

halfway between being angry and being hungry

2005-10-26T19:50:00.000+08:00

my eyes are playing tricks on me again. something about the way i woke up made it blurrier than usual. not good. haven't been wearing my contacts and i wonder why my eyesight isn't cooperating. maybe it's the monitor. i don't know.

i'm just basically writing the first thing that pops into my head primarily because inasmuch as i'd like to aim for a little structure or a themed offering here, nothing comes to mind save for these thoughts.

maybe because i'm hungry. maybe because i'm thinking of everything and nothing at the same time.

also, i am thinking, with two weeks left in this country, in this current life o' mine, why i am both excited and dreading the day? i know its a whole new world out there (cue theme from that Disney flick) but why i am so slow at getting things in order. i keep on telling myself, move yer ass woman! but somehow i don't have the strength to actually start boxing or throwing away stuff. Am I procrastinating because i can be inherently lazy? or am i dragging my feet because i really don't want to go?

but then, i have lost everything. have nothing left. nothing's left for me here. going there is the next logical step.

but then getting the money together to actually get on that plane is starting to bother me. badly. each day i delay meals and sleep off the hunger pangs. i try not to break down in tears every other day. i try not to question my beliefs and throw a tantrum and point an accusing finger to the sky. and i most definitely try not to throw myself off the roof of my building.

every day. every single pathetic day. i wake up tired and wondering if i'll ever leave. i try not to think about it. i try to "think happy thoughts" but really, thinking happy thoughts on an empty stomach and wallet is pretty damn hard.

perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. maybe i should have a greater appreciation for frugality. perhaps i am being taught to turn a blind eye to all the incessant sales at my favorite bookshops and clothing stores and focus on what matters—be it food or spare change for transportation to get to a meeting with a client.

being this hungry has given me a lot of balls to actually write this thing. i mean, damn my pride to hell. i'm dizzy. my eyesight is blurry (maybe it also has something to do with the tears that are welling up) and quite frankly, i do not see the light at the end of my tunnel nor in this dark place i have found myself in.

i am being taught to appreciate the most basic of things—food, shelter, family. the heavens must think its high time for me to learn these lessons especially since i am moving to another country and going to be living an entirely different life.

somehow i know it's not really going to get any easier, but at least i know now how to withstand the pain.

* * *

if anyone tries to cheer me up with clichés, i just might end up slapping them—if i can muster the strength to actually lift my hand, let alone take a mighty swing. save your words for the church and utter them there. Otherwise save your pity or your attempts at patronizing me.

The Big What If

2005-10-23T16:18:00.000+08:00

inspired by two friends and their "what ifs?"

this is not good. i'm thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about. after all, our paths have diverged. our timing, as you so eloquently put it, sucks big time. you have new people to think about and new responsibilities in your life, while i have a new life to look forward to in two weeks.

why now? my hangover has passed and yet i'm still thinking about you. not good. not good at all.

i keep asking myself if i'm lonely, if i just like the fact that we're getting along so famously.

i'm not making sense. and it's driving me nuts what's happening. we both know that this... that we cannot be. unless someone makes some serious life choices.

but then... i don't know. i really don't. maybe i'm just regretting what should've been but never was.

maybe i just missed you.

maybe.

I Died.

2005-09-30T15:43:00.000+08:00

It all felt so real. I can still see the details in my head. All I remember is that there was this old friend of mine who I've never been with in around 4 years. She was driving me home from somewhere that seemed quite far. We passed this road that ran along the side of a mountain. on the left was a cliff. She was in the driver's seat, i was in the back. one moment she was on left-hand drive, next moment she was on the right!? the radio suddenly came to life with neither of us turning it on. for some reason, she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to see what was up with the damn thing. next thing i knew we were on the other lane and i saw headlights as we turned the bend. the light was fading... it was nearing night. at the sight of the oncoming car, she swerved... but not on the empty lane to the right but flying past the barricade and into the sky as we started our plunge downward. i could remember seeing the sky. everything seemed so slow. as we were about to fall all i could think of was, "shit. it's only been three days after my birthday, and now I'm going to die. Damn. Sorry Mom."

i woke up just as we were about to hit the ground.

if my entry hardly made any sense, well, neither did the dream. my apologies. just trying to get this down in writing before i forget. though i wonder why... maybe to get it out my system...

Birthday Schmirthday

2005-09-05T14:52:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: September 27

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path.
Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate.
There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do.

This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative.
You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends.
You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Short quips

2005-09-04T16:42:00.000+08:00

You people always hold onto old identities, old faces and masks, long after they've served their purpose.
But you've got to learn to throw things away eventually.

-Death, in Dream Country

ouch. ouch. ouch. now that definitely struck a nerve.

* * *

Result from a quiz...

You are 31.75% jealous!
This means that...
- You are not usually a jealous person BUT SOMETIMES CAN BE (i am human, aren't i?)
- Occassionally, you over-react to situations
- Generally, you trust the people around you
- Jealousy will not be an issue in relationships, though you might want to improve your self-esteem.

ouch. ouch. ouch. AGAIN. hahahahaha

Confessions of a former anti-athlete

2005-06-25T20:04:00.000+08:00

Maybe it’s the build, maybe it’s the height, but somehow people find it hard to believe that prior to arnis, I haven’t practiced any sport or at least, haven’t taken any sport really seriously.

Despite my long-time love for the relative comfort of running shoes, my penchant for wearing jogging pants, or donning any apparel that are more or less indicative of an active lifestyle for that matter, I haven’t really been into sports.

Until a year ago when certain life events and a movie prompted me to pick up a baston and give it a whirl—pun intended.

A Bit o’History
I come from a family of Tennis Players, thanks to my father who started the proverbial ball rolling. My Dad was so addicted to the game that the only way my Mom could spend more time with him was to join him on the shell-and-sand covered courts. So she tried, she learned, she conquered. You know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

It wasn’t long before my younger brother jumped on the happy tennis bandwagon. When he wasn’t shooting hoops with his friends, he would be volleying and smashing balls across nets with either of my parents.

I too frequented the tennis courts of the cloistered community of UP Los Baños not as a player, but more of a spectator. Everyone, including my folks, was just waiting for me to pick up a racket and start playing but somehow the charm of the sport that made John McEnroe’s language too colorful was lost on me.

Fast forward to college… and P.E. 2. At 5 feet and 8 inches of height, coaches (who more often than not, has seen me practically grow up ‘round the tennis club) of certain sports were asking me if I’d like to join their teams. I’d gently let them down saying, “Pero wala po akong alam sa paglaro ng (insert sport here). Sorry talaga po.” They’d insist I could play it by ear and just learn a thing or two along the way but I’d politely exit the conversation, making the excuse of having to rush to my next class.

The closest I’ve ever been to joining any varsity was when I started training with the swimming team. To make a long story short, they trained at night. With a lone spotlight shining on the pool that stood underneath the dark sky, not to mention poor eyesight and lack of prescription goggles (contact lenses weren’t as affordable or available at the time), let’s just say I either ended up tangled in the ropes that divided the lanes or bumping into unsuspecting members of the varsity. So ends my so-called college swimming career.

In the end I did sign up for a couple of Physical Education 2 classes as required by the university namely: Track, Swimming, and surprise, surprise, Modern Arnis.

Funnily enough, I don’t remember my grade or any of my lessons for that matter from my P.E. 2 Arnis class.

Turning Point (Literally)
As mentioned, it was a life event and a movie that whet my appetite to finally learning arnis. Though my joining “Sunday school” was deliberate, the events surrounding it weren’t.

One night I was attacked by two boys. Yes. Boys. Both ranging from 13 to 15 years of age. It was around 9:30 in the evening and I was seated on one of the benches that framed the UP Sunken Garden when two boys seated themselves on a bench near my own. After a while, they both stood up and walked the path that ran alongside my bench. Nothing to be suspicious about except one of them walked ahead while the other trailed behind. Just when the second boy walked past me he suddenly did an about face and lunged at me, holding an ice pick in his hand. I yelled and scrambled away from him (skirts and sandals not helping any), fortunately unharmed. And they walked away laughing as if they’d just pulled off a great practical joke.

Only I wasn’t laughing with them.

The incident was enough to unsettle me for weeks. And then I just happen to encounter Uma Thurman in her adventures on her way to Kill Bill. Wow. A woman with a weapon. Such skill. Such empowerment. Gone are the days of the hapless, helpless female. The strong heroine is here to stay.

And that’s exactly what I want to be. After all, libre nga naman mangarap di ba?

Life-changing and a change in lifestyle
It’s easy to dream. Making the dream happen is another story. And as all things in life are, training in arnis is far from being a bed of roses.

Some people questioned my reasons for learning Arnis… even to this day. And to be quite honest even I question them too on occasion—usually when I’m bent over trying hard to breathe properly, or whenever any body part gets hit, or whenever I can’t figure out the move being taught at the moment. I’ve gone through self-doubt, utter frustration, and even sheer anger at myself or at other parties during training and because of training.

It was difficult and it continues to be difficult. I’d go to work or go home to my parents’ house with bruises on my arms, callouses on both hands and fingers, swollen knuckles (Imagine the look on my mother’s face each time I displayed my so-called battle scars). Not to mention a deflated ego and at times a fading spirit.

Did I want to quit? Of course. Many times. But then I’m still here.

Because more than being an idea spurned by a movie, more than it being a need to survive in the big, bad city, Arnis to me now is not just a mere quest to be the next Black Mamba, nor is it just a sport to get into for the fitness aspect (though the benefits of training are extremely beneficial non-withstanding).

At the end of the day whatever my reasons were and however valid they may have been, I think the important thing here is that I’m here to learn.

If only my Arnis teacher would see me now (snicker).

* * *
Postscript: This is an article I wrote for SEGUIDA—our groups official newsletter.

Shades of High Fidelity

2005-06-17T23:39:00.000+08:00

So-called Instructions: List five songs that you are currently digging . . . it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artist and the song in your blog along with your five songs. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

And I'm tagging... drumroll please... mmm let me get back to you on that... har har

so here goes...

Jo's Top 10 Songs that more or less estimates her oh-so-chaotic state of heart.

Circle - Edie Brickell

Weight of the World - Chantal Kreviazuk

Ever After - Bonnie Bailey

If I Owned the World - Aaron Neville & The Rippingtons

Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

Let's Stay Together - Al Green

I Can't Make You Love Me - George Michael

Fall For You - Shanice

Over and Over - Nelly and Tim McGraw

Wedding Whatever

2005-06-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

Brief blog-hopping is a poor substitute for actually meeting up with friends i miss to discuss life thus far over cups (or bottles) of choice beverages.

Nonetheless, it being June and all, *sigh* might as well join the dandy June bandwagon and briefly mention anything remotely pertaining to weddings and/or marriage.

oops. one must NOT mistake one for the other. weddings are but a day while marriage is every day of the rest of your lives... together. something like that. babble babble.

here's my two cents.

over the years, regardless on whether or not i was with someone or even if i held the slightest hope that i'll eventually tie the knot with some poor unwitting sap one day, i've compiled a bunch of songs that i'd like sung at my wedding. the list grew and was reduced over time as the songs either were used in friends' or in other people's own weddings (spoilsports) or if i eventually grew out of loving a particular song. (one fine example is America's All My Life)

so how would i like my wedding soundtrack to sound like? here's a handful:

feels like home - Chantal Kreviazuk
OST - How to Lose a Guy in 10 days, Dawson's Creek

love moves in mysterious ways - either the original Julia F version or the male version as heard off the OST of Indecent Proposal. HELL NOT THE NINA VERSION. GAAAAAAAD!!!!

butterfly kisses - bob carlisle. damn if the wedding part in the song makes me cry.

ikaw - heck, i'll even settle for the regine version

i will be here - as originally done by stephen curtis chapman

can't think of anything else right this very moment. but here's a Gary Granada song that i stumbled upon from a friend's blog. and now it's on my list. read on and you'll see why.

anyway, enough sentimental sh*t for now. i'm going to take a nap before i get too sulky to sleep straight.

* * *

postscript:

my salutations bounced off the walls of the silence you keep
in the ocean of distance between you and i
you ask me to move closer and catch a glimpse of your state of mind
only to leave me, mouth agape, wondering what you meant
how dare you shake the already unsettled foundations
of the life i built since you turned me away
but now you sound as if you're sorry
tell me do you regret having let our time pass
are you saddened by the memories that should've had a happier ending
you control your destiny. you made a choice.
don't tell me now that you felt you've made the wrong one.
it's been two years. Two years since.
If you wanted to do something about it, then you should have by now
you made a promise once that if and when you've found the answers you seek
then you'll move mountains to find me
you know where to find me
don't try to win me with subtle whispers
or woeful moans of despair
i deserve so much
so much more.
moreover, i deserve truth
and absolute
sobriety.

i already questioned everything
if it were true
or just another trip of yours.
you have no idea how much that possibilty
tears me apart.

find me.
and then, we'll see.

we'll see.

Edie Brickell's Circles and coming Full Circle

2005-06-06T03:09:00.000+08:00

Hopefully, when i get around doing it, this'll be part of my comeback article. i ended last year with a song, i'll start this year with another:

Circles
Edie Brickell

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends
on you touching ground with us.
But, I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.
And I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say goodbye.

Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet --
the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are
- that means you and....
I quit -- I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say...

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around.

Halalalalalala

* * *

had a sneaky feeling that i should have logged in YM earlier. should've listened to my gut.

Offline Messages *click*

a name... name that used to reduce me to a quivering mass of tears and regrets. now it just brings back questions, memories, and more questions...

Read my blog

i check the date and the time. 6 June 2005. around half past 1 am. What's he doing up at 1 am?

sent him an SMS.

U awake? Which blog? Friendster?

No reply. He must either be out somewhere or out cold on his bed.

Checked friendster. Checked his blog.

Ah.

mmmm. something to think about. something to talk about.

When you wake, Dear One. When you wake.

Mad Woman

2005-06-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

I am one Mad Woman.

Not mad as in crazy-mad... that's a given. But mad as in angry, fuming, raging, foaming-at-the-mouth mad. Don't worry i've had my shots.

It's one thing to be angst-ridden. To have a bone to pick with the rest of the world. No, that's not me. If there are any bones to pick with anyone, i can think of a few.

Funny thing about it is, these are people who are almost a part of my every day. People who i've held dear for so long. Some of which i can claim to have loved or love to this day.

Perhaps that's why i'm so angry at the things that they do. Angry at the things they have done that have a relation to me which they don't know i'm aware about.

i am not blind, nor am i stupid. and now i'm just very, very angry.

but i can still talk to them, laugh with them, be a friend to some level with them, sincerely. however to a certain degree, there are things that i've yet to face, to deal with, to forgive.

everything is a choice. timing is key. i choose not to discuss it now. excuse me if i have better things to do and/or mope about at the moment.

someday, though i will face my demons, i will probably split in two because of them, they'll probably skin me alive and leave me for dead.

but i won't die. i choose to live. it will hurt like hell, but i will get through this.

is it about winning? probably, but right now i'm just stewing. biding my time. decisions will be made, relationships will be severed. lives will be rearranged somewhat.

sure i still cry on occassion, a bad mood can still swamp me as easily as one flips on a light switch. but i'm nearing my saturation point. i will no longer stand for this. people should either own up for the things they do or our relationships or friendships be damned.

there's only so much i can take. bearing witness to inflated egos doesn't help any.

as i've read from an article, "nobody has the monopoly of power. what you do to me, i can also do to you."

sorry, just unloading some more of my baggage.

ponderous points

2005-06-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

might as well cite my source, though i doubt if it's THAT reliable...

according to the latest ish of COSMO Phils.

(do i hear a collective groan of exasperation the world over? hehehe c'mon. i've ditched my habit of collecting the mag. IN FACT, i got the info from borrowing a friend's copy. Nothing like defensive monologuing to start off this entry *snicker* )

Being in love doesn't just make you swoon, it makes you STUPID. A new study found that romantic feelings inhibit parts of the brain responsible for critical thinking.

Well now, that explains a lot now, does it?

Thought bubble: No wonder.

and...

on average, women utter 7,000 words per day while men bat around 2,000.

mmmmm. can't argue there. perhaps if the men amped up on their listening skills, we wouldn't talk as much, hmmm? what do you think?

oh now there i go being sexist. sorry about that guys. for the record, i also need to brush up on my listening as well.

hehehe.

running off at the fingers.

2005-06-01T07:58:00.000+08:00

This is a test drive article in a manner of speaking—or writing. Haven't written a singular word for my column in peyups.com. Scratch that. i've written a lot of things for my column, but nothing really passed the crumple-and-throw-into-wastebasket stage. There has been a lot of angst, there has been a lot of tears to write about. But considering that my last article was about lost love, blah blah blah (which i submitted november and it got posted during the holiday season, leading many to believe that my december was colder than usual) I think i owe it to myself and to the spirit of my column to write something other than grumblings that i have about life thus far.

So here i am, in the midst of a busy morning, blogging.

God bless DSL.

* * *

Silence is a good thing when you want everything in your life to shut up for a moment. Silence is good when you are able to also tell your traitorous mind to shut up and just be in that moment. Because that, my friend, is one of the hardest things to do—well for me at least. To shush my noisy mind and let myself not worry, not agonize, not THINK.

So much is already going on. The last thing i need is a panic attack.

* * *

Had a talk with a friend/guy-who-i-got-to-know-because-i-interviewed-him-for-a-magazine-assignment/guy who's guts i used to hate and now whom i love to bits/guy i now work for and upon occassion, laugh with. He said one of the most important things he learned from a teacher in high school is this: Live your life without worries. How? See here:

a) if you got a problem, and it has a solution... then DON'T WORRY. Because it HAS a solution. You either have to find it or wait for the solution to present itself.

b) if your problem DOESN'T have a solution, then why the hell are you so worried over something that CANNOT be resolved in the first place?

Another thing he said..."You're stronger than you think you are."

mmmm. Maybe i am. Actually i am. Haven't come this far for nothing right.

In the intonation of my dear friend Jem who likes emulating one of the characters in the cult childhood classic Sesame Street, "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

* * *

Right now though, i don't know where this is all going. i'm not only talking about this piece, i'm talking about my life in general. i used to know exactly where i'm at and where more or less i'm headed or at least taking myself to, but lately, everything is in limbo. God only knows the oh-so-many times i've wanted to drop everything and go back home.

Sanctuary. Though i may be penniless, i may have to live with my parents (and the occassional insufferable brother), and may even have a curfew again, it still is and perhaps will always be sanctuary.

Honestly though, i've found sanctuary (though temporary) in some other places and homes. And it's sad to have to leave and say goodbye to them.

Made me wonder when or how in the world will i ever find a place of my own. A place to call home. My home.

It's a dream of mine, i guess. Believe it or not. It really is. though i don't know how to make it happen as i barely can make it to the next payday.

this is what eats away at my resolve each day. maybe i should just up and leave. i don't know anymore. i really don't.

lost. save for Los Baños, there isn't anywhere else for now. not unless i make it so.

should i leave to find myself? should i let myself be found?

it's not knowing where to go that gets to me.

better end this before i spew some more of that negativity. maybe i just lack sleep.

Mundane Musings

2005-05-25T10:17:00.000+08:00

It's been a crazy past few weeks. But then again, what is there in my life right now that isn't crazy? So let's qualify that... crazy in a sense that the demands of all the jobs that i currently am tasked with has definitely exceeded the supply of energy and resources that my body has.

* * *

Good and not so good part? Stress makes me lose weight. Big time. Enough said as there are those who will kill me themselves because i came out and said something so stupid.

* * *

Speaking of stupid, been working on a project for almost a month now and while the layout and design part are definitely fulfilling, the production, PR, and all other BS that i have to deal with isn't. Bottomline is, if the system is screwed then everything else is.

* * *

Sometimes, when everything gets on my nerves, i scream inside my head. Recently though, i haven't been doing the screaming.

Yes, imagine one day that you're being yelled at by people very dear to you and who are supposed to be on your side. I'm not talking about my folks. Parents yelling at children are more or less a given. (Thank God my folks won't read this)

Such a situation makes one bound to question so much. But then, the experience makes for a good article. Hmmm.

* * *

Visited peyups.com a few minutes ago. need to write an article. maybe i will. maybe it'll even be about screaming.

That's is. Crazy as it doesn't actually make sense. But hell, i'd just like to write while i still have the energy to do so. I'm way out of practice.

And practice makes perfect, so there.

* * *

p.s. crazy bad thing last night. some foreign black guy harrassed me, sort of. ugh. i'm not being racist but he was way out of line to put it mildly.

more on that soon. gotta make a phone call.

sixty bucks to schizophrenic tendencies

2005-04-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

Funny how one can live on 60 bucks.

I began my morning slow, my body rebelling, hesitating to part ways with the comfy spot on the couch/bed. Even the bath was taking too long, Lord knows i was already running late. Perhaps the pain in various parts of my body, particularly in my arms and in my hands slowed me down. Couldn't imagine surviving the commute to the house-of-my-business-partner-turned-semi-office. Wow. Despite the aching body due to my endeavoring into boxing since wednesday, not to mention the hits i sustained due to arnis, it was a wonder that i got through the MRT ride, the long walk from the MRT station to the tricycle depot at the BACK of SM North.

It was a pretty long walk, i tell you. And a heavy bag and not-so-comfortable-shoes weren't much help either.

Okay so i'm starting to rant. But really, did i have a bad day?

Nope. if readers could actually see what's going through my head as i rewind the events that took place on this unusual friday, they'd blush. Or guffaw...Depending on their tolerance for such houghts (snicker).

Let's just say that i am coming to terms with something about myself. It feels good to touch base with the person whom i've neglected to share the proverbial stage of my day to day for the past year and a half.

The woman i used to be.

Why now? Why does she choose to come back now when i thought i've lost her already? Gotta hand it to her, her timing's pretty great considering this is one of those days that i was actually to tired to wallow and write off my life as a major mess.

i guess she missed being in control. missed being able to come up with witty comebacks on the fly. probably felt bad about letting so many opportunities to "exercise" her right to be the hot momma she really is.

all because she was overshadowed by the meek, subservient, bordering-on-martyrdom big girl that took over for the past 18 months or so.

but she's not resentful about playing second fiddle to such a character. apparently, the harmless , helpless act didn't work.

so here she is, gently chiding the meek one, taking over the reins once again.

reckless driver that she is, she does know now to be cautious at the wheel. (must be getting old.) after all, only stupidity would lead her to make the same mistake twice.

maybe things would've been different if she hadn't left the driver's seat in the first place.

but that's done. it's time to forge on, into the unknown just around the next bend. life apparently goes on. maybe this time, she'll succeed. succeed in what... well, let's just say that this lady's got some agenda. (waggle eyebrows hahahahaha)

either way, it doesn't matter. she just says it's good to be back.

yeah.

how to relate it to the sixty bucks i had left in my wallet this morning? simple, make do with what you have no matter how little. Be brave enough to go on even in unfamiliar territory. Eventually, you'll get where you're meant to be. Wiser, stronger, maybe even stumble on something you've wanted for so long.

yeah, i missed her.

but i actually miss someone else as well. *wink*

Been trying

2005-04-11T09:42:00.000+08:00

Been trying to write a decent article worthy of my column. But then i'm my own worst critic and so far nothing has passed my so-called standards (insert colorful expletive here).

Also

Been trying to write a decent song worthy of recording or at least my friends' time when i manage to coerce them to grudgingly listen to me sing it.

Been trying to get more shut-eye. One of the things i am able to actually do, thank God.

Been trying to make sense of this mess i've gotten myself into, having to abstain from choosing just one path, just one organization to be a part of.

Been trying to see if all the reasons i have for staying where i am are still valid and haven't turned to pathetic excuses that i just convince myself to be true.

Been trying to stop myself from feeling good about a certain someone while battling the demons that i still have about us. holding myself back from feeling anything for this person because i can be brought to life or be obliterated by this person's hand all at the same time.

Been trying to muster enough courage to make the decisions i should have made 7 months ago.

Been trying to focus on the things that really matter, like my family, my real friends, and home.

Been trying not to think, or think too much.

Been trying. Have succeeded in some, have lost in others.

Life is just a series of day to day struggles. Or at least for me... for now.

Hormones

2005-04-05T09:21:00.000+08:00

Something is bothering me.

Felt it this morning, like something in my life is not in order... but really, this is the least stressful of the days that i've been having thus far.

Unnamed. Unidentified. It's just there.

it was weird waking up this morning. weird going to work. weird. weird. weird.

but it doesn't feel like a foreboding, something just confuses me. confounds me.

then again, it might be just hormones.

Addiction

2005-03-14T11:05:00.000+08:00

My name is Jo and I'm a workaholic and a C.S.I.-holic.

No I am not about to gush over the famed TV show. (done that already in a previous post) It's just that yes, i have been quite hooked on the stuff of late.

How I was able to recognize it as an addiction? Simple. I'd rather watch it than sleep.

And almost everyone knows how much i love sleeping.

* * *

Someone once said that i work myself to the ground. No, let me rephrase that. He said that i was just too stubborn to break the habit of working myself to the ground. A habit i formed to distract myself from all the sh*t that has been happening to me. that i'd rather be too bone-weary to care about my troubles.

no use denying it. i just find it funny that i had to hear it from that particular person. him being the reason why i'd rather be busy and not think than be still and wallow to no end.

cosmic joke it seems.

* * *

it doesn't take rocket science to figure out why some people turn to their vices. distraction. pathetic excuse i know but that's it really. People want to be distracted. To stave off, even for a little while, the hideous truth of their present.

To trick themselves to forget, even for an hour or for 8... forget the pain, the memory, the truth. Who knows.

The danger lies when people spend more time in the world created by the pleasure they get from their vices rather than live in the so-called realm of their respective lives.

i'll try to keep reminding myself that eventually i'd have to face my fears. but for now, i'd rather turn on the TV and watch some fictional team solve the problems brought about by other people's sins or spend hours writing and designing stuff on the PC.

for now i just want to be... distracted. i want to forget.

till the time comes when i can look back and not remember how it feels to be broken like this.

Three Words

2005-03-07T23:49:00.000+08:00

Two people.

Three words.

Well, actually two. (remove the "i")

Two people have told me today that they loved me.

Felt good.

Felt damn good.

don't you just love friendship?

yes, it's a friendship thing. don't look so surprised.

if it were a romantic development, then be assured dear readers that my blog would be bursting at the seams with it.

but at the moment it isn't so that's that.

but i must admit that i do miss the other version of it though. among other things.

Exit to my so-called Eden

2005-03-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

Club Paradise—what a wonderfully apt name :)

So here i am, halfway between apprehensive that i might not be able to leave next week, and mostly excited that i actually am leaving. If that didn't make sense then that's EXACTLY how i feel. i'm just a jumble of emotions right now.

Anyway, i was supposed to visit Palawan last December to review the resort among other things for a magazine. However, plans were changed last minute and that left me grumbling most of the holidays. Sort of.

The people behind the sponsored trip wanted to reschedule for March. Good Lord, i wondered, March?!? That's roughly almost 3 freaking months away! Nonetheless, the client had their way and i had no choice but to comply and wait it out a bit more. So i kissed my visions of sunny sand and glorious beach goodbye for the moment.

Then, i got busy. Then i got projects to handle and people to see. Yes, suddenly my day to day life was full of activity and before you know it, it's March.

Now i'm just days away from experiencing Paradise. Pun definitely intended.

Funny enough, i learned something from the experience. God knows why by some force of nature or by some fickle mind our December trip was postponed. Of course when i got wind of the delay, i couldn't understand a damn thing why it had to be that way. After much frustration, i can't say i let it go out of my own volition... i probably just forgot to be bothered by it. Stress does that to a person.

And now i've got 4 days left before i finally set foot on Palawan shores again (after 10 years. my last trip being in 1995, i was on a Mission trip for the Youth For Christ ministry. Ok now don't act so surprised.)

Maybe the planets are aligned, maybe we finally got the timing right, or at the risk of using this cheesy cliché, maybe it's meant to be because here i am. It's just around the corner. About to happen.

Doesn't it seem like some things don't happen in your life because the timing's all wrong, because for whatever reason there is, it's just not meant to happen at that very moment? And then you feel bad when it doesn't and you finally throw the proverbial towel in the bucket and walk away.

Then after some time, the thing you've given up on finally resurfaces. Suddenly it's an option again. It's just there, waiting, no, begging to be chosen.

A friend told me two weeks ago to not close my doors to possibility. That we can never really tell how things will work themselves out in the end. That even if we try to predict the future or at least make assumptions on how it's all supposed to fall into place, we never really know until it happens. So it's best to keep an open mind.

And heart.

Pretty much gave up on this Palawan trip. And now i'm four days away from flying there. This semi-phenomena gave me something to look forward to... in my life i mean, and not just getting a tan or getting much needed R and R, as well as make me realize a few things: timing is everything, and

Hope springs eternal.

Updates

2005-02-28T15:59:00.000+08:00

I'm not okay
I haven't been okay physiologically for the last week.
I haven't been okay mentally since the day I was born. (tabula rasa my ass)
I haven't been okay emotionally since July of last year
and I try to be spiritually okay to keep whatever sanity I have left.

So if anyone asks,

I'm alive.

2005-02-14T10:59:00.000+08:00

And speaking of the day-that-must-not-be named...

Taken by "Taken"

2005-02-09T22:58:00.000+08:00

I recently finished watching a collection of Steven Spielberg's "Taken." And at the risk of sounding like i'm reviewing the thing, i have to say that it was suprisingly well written. Who would've thought that a TV special about aliens and conspiracies and all that jazz would have me wax sentimental?

Anyway, it happened that one Sunday afternoon when i was left to my own devices. i found myself watching the final episode. Believe me, the writing was so damn good I had to keep a pen and notebook handy just in case a line or two struck me.

And lo and behold, it did. something really got to me. and thank God for the pause button i was able to jot it down.

How do you let someone go?
How do you understand that
that's alright?
That everything changes?
How do you find a way
for that to make you
feel good about life
instead of breaking your heart?
The hardest thing you'll ever learn
is how to say goodbye.

By the time i got all of that down i was soaking the page with my tears. And just when i collected what's left of my sanity and/or poise, they just had to have another kick-ass ending spiel.

Life is all about asking questions
not about knowing all the answers.
It is wanting to see what is over the next hill
that keeps us going.
You have to keep asking questions
wanting to understand
even if we won't know all the answers.
You have to keep asking the questions.

Anyway, feel free to pause and reflect on these. i'm headin' home ;).

Tribute

2005-02-01T11:32:00.000+08:00

Some people simply inspire you. Some move you to do great things, some move you to tears, this man, moves me to write.

I am no angel
I hurt, I bleed
in this disturbed place i call my life
i try my best to breathe.

It's still just brewing in my head. Nonetheless, thank you to the one who shakes the foundations of my soul that i can't help but write. And think...

In a few days, it'll be another year for you dear one. Wish i could come up with a more solid tribute than this

Some park in Silay, 3 Feb. 2003

Crushin'

2005-01-30T02:00:00.000+08:00

the man who gets my blood runnin'

That's it. It's official.

Looks like i'm a sucker for older men. Particularly Gil Grissom.

Now before my friends start hounding me with questions or start rolling their eyes at my declaration of luuuuuve (or lust) for an obvious, fictional being, allow me to shed a bit more light on Gil (wow. first name basis hehehe)

Yes, he is the head of CSI Vegas. A show that, thanks to DVD collections, I am able to catch up on... And get my delicious fill on Gil. Atrocious rhyme but I couldn't resist. (Lord knows when it comes to Gil, i simply give in).

Anyway, back to my fascination for older guys. But before I go on, let me lay down some criteria lest i get the hopes up of some 60-year old guy reading this...

1) Men 28 -35 years of age are ok by my book. Then again, 35 is pushing it. Right now I'm 26 goin' on 27. I don't want a guy too old that he'll think that just because he's been around a decade before I even existed in my parents' consciousness, he is the boss of me. Nope. As mentioned, I have parents. I have no need for another one.

2) He must have not been married/separated/divorced. Why? One word: complicated. Enough said.

3) Children on the other hand are welcome. Just as long as the mother of the child will not have any objections whatsoever.

Alright. Now we come to why i like my men a bit older.

Of course, there's this whole "women mature faster than men" sort of talk going, right? Well I subscribe to that. Let's just put it this way, with older men—or at least the ones i've been with, you're bound to get wonderful, and not shallow conversations. You don't have to worry about their sense of humor being too lame or something that is usually reserved for the locker room or something like that. And so far, chivalry is not another "c" word that has them scratching their heads in confusion.

At least I used to think older men were gentlemen. Recent events say (or perhaps I should say yell ) otherwise. More on this in future posts. Meanwhile, back to the man of the hour.

Why him? Why a nerd like him? Yes, he is a nerd. But then again a nerd who makes me laugh, leaves me in awe because of his quick wit, and just blows me away with all that science and forensic talk doesn't sound too bad now is it?

Except, he ain't real and even if he were, he hasn't met me.

Well, that's just too bad. For him, I mean. ;)

Takes some getting used to

2005-01-11T17:57:00.000+08:00

1) waking up early
2) waking up early enough to give me time to prepare
3) waking up early enough to give me time to get ready for work
4) being employed again
5) having a job with no regular office hours or office for that matter.

it's been a good day. productive. and it feels good to be spending money i've actually earned again. great to go around a mall and going out to eat without worrying whether or not i've brought enough cash with me. it feels wonderful. damn wonderful.

also, someone emailed back today. nice to be able to meet new people again, or at least have the will to. met up with Blocmate-good friend-soul sister-partner in panlalait (hehe) Mylene. it's great having to have a conversation over coffee that isn't about lost hopes or broken hearts. we're just both basically wondering and slightly holding our breath, waiting for what's just around the bend. all in all, it was fun. it's nice to know that we've both grown up. she's always been an inspiration and i'm glad she's happy. she deserves so much.

JJ (best friend, oft-mistaken for my boyfriend since high school, former crush, and now the object of my undying affectation hahahah kidding and now proud late bloomer to fashion and good grooming) happened to pass by. JJ and Mylene are former churchmates, so no awkwardness there.

Dex had an interview today. Hope it went well. He did sound happy when he called. So that's another thing to be thankful for.

Anyway, since i need to get used to getting my abundant arse out of bed early as i've got a breakfast meeting, i have to give this up and go home. but hey, if there's one thing i've learned today—at the risk of sounding like the tagline of my former company, these are one of the days that i've realized that

Life is good.

Yet another thing i have to get used to.

Talking in clichés

2005-01-09T14:21:00.000+08:00

New Year. New Blog. New Beginning.

Last year I lost my job, my graduate school scholarship, and my disposable income. Not to mention falling out with a few people and losing some very close to my heart.

Although I gained a few friends, lost a few pounds, became a columnist for peyups.com and got in touch with old friends and rekindled my passion for writing.

And i managed to stay alive for 2005.

For a woman who has lost everything, it's a good thing that I manage to keep my sense of humor. It's a bit wry and perhaps biting at times, but then I'd rather look back and laugh about the things that transpire in this life of mine rather than grumble and regret over my past like a bitter old woman. My hair may be turning gray (because of too much haircolor i think. yes, too much use of haircolor can turn your hair gray, don't ask me why it just does... eventually) but Lord knows i'm far from being a bitter old woman.

And since I've nothing to lose and everything to gain, who knows what i've got waiting for me this year? According to the Chinese Horoscope (was born in the year of the Horse), this year is bad for business and good for love. Wow. That prediction couldn't be more off target.

Then again, who knows? i think i should ditch the planning and leave it to life to surprise me at every turn. Last time i tried to plan my life, look where it got me. Even the best laid plans go awry, so here I go forging half-blind into the year just leaving much of my every day to the Guy Upstairs. Bet He's way better than I am at the proverbial wheel.